Wake Me Up...

     It's been two months since my last blog, and between that time, I faced a lot of events. These events were highly concentrated with ups and downs that even now I can't really bare to understand (I don't even want to anymore).

     I have always tried my best to make new friends now because this year marks as my last year in high school, and with that I want it to be memorable. At the start it seemed that I was 'successful' in doing so - I mean, a lot were open to me, not all, but most of them were. I know that there were some who didn't really work well, but I didn't mind it; I considered them to be just one way to refine my proceedings. Continuing, I seemingly had a good number of friends (or acquaintances). But I didn't stop there, I am continuing until now - but there has been something which really stopped me for a moment.

     There is this graph I call the 'Relationship Graph' which basically maps out every single event that can cover up when I get a new friend. The graph in itself is similar to the standard distribution curve, and does work (I have seen it in a lot of friend relationships). At the start, me and my new friend would talk a lot and wouldn't really mind about it, and that's the rising part of the curve. Over time, it steadies and there we reach the topmost part of the curve. Now, this is where it starts to be very different - depending on actions, the curve will go down steadily or go down steeply. And usually, these days, my curves with friends are going down steeply - really steep. I don't know why this is happening.. Is there something wrong with me that makes this so? I don't understand them - most importantly, I don't know myself. I go for nights on end just trying to understand how to make this curve go up even once, but never really works. Maybe it's just really the sad life I own.

     There were even some friends who said they would be there when I need them - but when I did need it already, sadly they weren't there to help. So I resulted in being alone, trying to make myself think positive and grieve for myself. But this self misery has not really helped because in my efforts to let some people, or at least someone, aid me, has failed. I must really be a bad person since this is how they treat me? Am I really that bad?

Sad to say, I really have nothing else to do about this but see everything as a way so that I can learn to be stronger for myself. I mean, in the real world, when everybody has turned their back on you, who else will be there to help you but yourself?

This is such of a mere person who cannot understand life in itself... Wake me up from my misery.