I really don’t know what’s happening to
me now. It was like early this summer I met someone never knowing we’d be close
in some manner. I never expected her to actually accept and trust me. It was
very surprising that after saying hi and hello she began to talk to me more –
even with the distance, the fact that we don’t know each other nor saw each other personally. Maybe it
just came to me now that there might be a reason for all this. I still remember
the time she actually shared one of her family problems it dawned to me that
very time that she trusts me. You see that? Someone who never knew me actually
trusted me? Personally speaking, only a handful of people actually trust me
much like the way she does – and it really makes me feel special. For I know that
since she trusts me, I can also trust her. That time I never really got the
idea to like her, but she was like a special friend from another place. It was
the first time I got to know someone from a game and become friends with only
to know that the person lives in the same country as me. Is it because of my
instinct to be friendly to people that made her feel like that – or I already
had the feeling before but it just came to me now? I don’t know. I thought that
she really never had a boyfriend – little that I knew that once had. And now
they are back together. I on one hand is very happy because I know that she
told me that she does love him a little so it’s nice that they are back
together. Back being happy in together’s arms. However on the other hand, I
feel sad for I never can really show how I feel for her because then she’d take
it in a negative way. Well, that is really how life is.
My problem now is, how do I get rid of
this stupid feeling?
Why stupid? Well, in the first place, we
were not meant to be since we are far apart. But then again, why did our roads
cross and now we actually talk to each other much like friends. Or better yet,
did she consider me to be a real friend like how I did? I never would know
because I dare not ask that. I don’t know how she would take that. Maybe this
feeling does have a point. Maybe we were “meant” to be. But then again, it’s
too soon. I don’t like doing this now. Maybe school will really make me forget
about her. Or at least forget about the fact or myth I like her.
If only we had more time to talk to each
other than play, because I would not play unless she would. She is one of the
only reasons why I play. Because it is only during that time that I actually
get to “socialize” with her – like what I never did when I was younger.
Why was I a fool back then? Why was I
really stupid not be friendly? Why suppress my ability to talk to other people?
Now I’m having a hard time to cope up with them. I live under a rock. Not
knowing how to get around and see the world. I don’t know myself already. I may
understand how people do things and other stuff about them but I never took the
time to look into another person – ME. I am the unknown, the puzzled person,
one who never understood himself. That’s why I realized too late that it was
time to get or make new friends – TOO LATE. I’m really sad that I never got to
have a friend whom I think I can actually trust and talk to when I really need
them. I need someone to cry over. It’s not enough that I talk to myself and
just to the computer or play it out in the piano. I need help. And it’s really
saddening that I don’t have any. Sometimes I just want to….. nevermind. The
point is, I never really had a friend I could count on. Why am I clingy?
Because I’m asking help from other people to help me understand myself. I want
to get other people’s attention because I am desperate. Maybe I’m worthless. I
can end my life, but I choose not to because I know that someone up above knows
who I am and wants to help me. Lord please help me. I need your help to help me
find a friend to count on. Someone who could understand me. I need you Lord. I
need you.
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