Most of my messages are subtle in that it may seem very plain, but I am actually trying to tell you something. Subtlety has been my method of knowing a lot of people. It is through these subtle gestures, notions, choice of words that I am able to know someone more -- and more often than not, those who get it are the people who I am able to relate more, that I become more open to.
That is my usual self, but since last year I told myself to loosen up. I mean, having such a discrete filter could literally lessen my chances of getting new friends, so why not ignore such thing? I tried doing so, and I got a lot. I was happy that lowering this filter gave way for me to make friends.
A few months after that, I decided to see who within that pool of new friends could be my close friends. I tried getting close with the two people who I met, which we will all call C and K. Those two were my first friends in the new place I am in. Funny how we got to know each other, but that's a story for some other time. You see, every Wednesday and Friday I would get to see them and spend time with them, talking about anything under the sun - and it felt great. Before, I never really had friends who I can talk to so this really changed my view, and needless to say, I kept them close to my heart. I told myself that I would be a really good friend to them and all, and we'd help each other every step of the way.
That was the beginning. As time went by, C got a little distant between us three. But it was ok, C had to turn because of a change of plan, and hence needed to work harder to catch up. C and I would talk from time to time, although not those talks we'd usually have - these days we'd only talk about academic work. Personally, as long as me and C were keeping in touch, it was fine. I learnt to accept that.
So I was left with K. Things were fun with K. We kept talking about anything, even the most random thing we could think about. We'd share stuff to each other and just tell anything that happens in our life. Even though K didn't open much compared to me, it was fine because I respect everyone's privacy.
Later on, I decided to introduce K to my circle of friends. K wasn't that social so I tried to help - what's better than having more friends right? Things started out really fun. K was able to be friends with my friends, which was nice because this time K wouldn't have to feel out of place every time I'm around them. K even decided to join an activity my friends were doing because of a PE class K took during the middle of the year. K needed a little motivation though and asked for my help, and I was glad to oblige. It was fun, and in the end K was able to join the activity.
Around this time though, things got a little messy. K and I weren't talking that often, and most of the time K was mingling more with new found friends than K would with me. But it's alright for me, anyways, I like seeing K happy. I just hope that K would talk to me and share stuff again like before from time to time.
During these times, I'd often just keep myself busy with things, watching YouTube videos, thinking of covers, and even playing the piano. I was very productive. Despite being able to do these things however, I felt a little incomplete because there would be that part of me which would want to talk to K. During those times I actually tried talking, either through chatting or even when K and I were together with other people, K wouldn't really talk. K was caught up too much with new friends that I think I was being ignored.
I felt bad, really bad. I felt a little jealous whenever I see K talking to other people. I kept telling myself that K would talk to me sometime; I just had to wait, I just had to be patient. In the end, I was wrong.
It was at this point in which I tried to tell K this. But knowing K, it would take tremendous effort just for my message to be 'delivered.' So for some time, I would COMPLETELY ignore K. It was hard for me, because I didn't want to resort to this, and I know there was a better way. But there was really nothing I could do. That time, K borrowed my keyboard and hard drive because K's keyboard wasn't working and had a laptop which needed reformatting, so I was happy to oblige - at least I felt I was worth something. When K finally returned these things, K left a note - a note I didn't read until the end of the day.
I was happy when I read that note, finally K saw my efforts and is asking whether things are alright. This time, I told myself I really had to talk to K. I asked K if we could have some coffee and talk about what's going on, and K was glad to do so. Little to my knowledge, on the day that we were supposed to talk, I was surprised that K had something ELSE to do. I got really mad inside but instead showed a straight face. K had to deposit money and I was 'glad' to be of company. It was during this time that we had a first somewhat-proper conversation after a long time. I told K a little story of somebody's struggle to get the attention of a friend and what that somebody had to go through just to do so. As usual, K wouldn't get it, but I was persistent that K should understand it, and when K got it, finally knew what was going on. Sadly though, when that happened, K had other things to do and our confrontation cut.
During that time however, I finally understood what else was up with K, however, I choose not to write about it here because then again, I still respect everyone's privacy. Again, despite this little thing that's up with K, I still choose to believe that K will one day, start a conversation with me again.
Again, to no avail. For one whole week, I tried my best to approach K and ask if there was time to talk - but to no avail. At this point, I was feeling very frustrated, because despite my efforts of trying to talk, of trying to actually settle everything, nothing was accomplished. I was losing hope in our friendship. By the end of the week, with a very 'good' time chatting, I was cold to K, thinking K would realize things - but again, to no avail. This felt REALLY bad to the point that when I was given chance to talk, I ended typing a four page document, rambling about what I am feeling, about the pain I was in, about what I wanted to say. But after that? After a week, nothing happened.
This was far too much already, as every night I would have a nightmare and face some sort of depression just thinking about settling things - just to see that friend I first made with C. But it was all for naught.
In the end of that week however, me and my friends were having a sleepover at someone's house and K was going. Me and one of my friends would be cooking and we needed someone to accompany us. After going through everyone, we ended up with K. It was alright for me, as long as I was not left with K. That time, I chose to let go of the problem and have fun, anyways, I was with other people and I don't want them seeing me sad at something.
Towards the night, it was harder and harder to put up the act. I needed to confront K now. Sadly now was not the time. The next day, I woke up earlier, and saw K awake as well. I tried to find ways to distract myself - listen to music, do a chemistry problem set due in the next two weeks, anything just for me to stay sane. Fortunately I was able to survive it. A little later on that day, I was playing the piano, playing anything that popped up in my head, I was improvising. A little upbeat tune, but in hind sight was actually sad. Nobody minded though, they were all too busy playing or texting or chatting or finishing some stuff.
There was that time in the afternoon though that I was downstairs alone. Then suddenly K appeared. I decided to talk to K as it was the optimal time to do so. The talk was very short, nothing really happened, and I still don't know why I let it like that. But at that time, I knew that we weren't friends anymore, that K just said something to make it seem as if everything was normal when in fact, in my side, it wasn't. She was too dense to understand.
I was very plain with what I was trying to tell her, and I already told everything I needed to tell her. However, her response was very VERY annoying to the point, I just had to stop it just to not get more hurt. To be honest, I was never satisfied with that confrontation, even though things were "OK" from then. K just told me one thing, after EVERYTHING I did - "I think you're just overthinking things. I think you are a high-maintenance friend. Ang tingin ko naman sa iyo hindi nagbago eh." (Non-verbatim, but VERY close to that) Interesting that K'd say that, while texting with someone over the phone. At least K said something, that was already something. But the way it was said, the way it was worded, the way it was as it was just hurt me. Again, as if everything I've done was for nothing. The last thing I did though, just to close everything was to say sorry to K as well. I don't know if I needed to, because I know deep down that I really didn't need to. And that's pretty much the 'confrontation' that there was.
There was a break the following week so I thought that we'd talk from then, even though in short bursts - I did tell K that I was doing these things because I missed talking with K. Sadly, it was, again, to no avail. It was alright with me though, because I flew back home and had my family with me, and whenever I'm with family, academic works are an equivalent to nothing.
After that break, I decided to ask K again, for some time to talk about things, again to no avail. Those days, I started posting PlayFair Ciphers on my wall, hiding my messages but making them known anyway. That night I decided to make a program which will immediately encipher any message I feed it given the keyword. Here's the message for the first time I sent a cipher. The first line is the keyword, the second, the code, and the bottom is the deciphered message.
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| Answer to the First Cipher I Posted |
This is the same one I sent K in the chatbox, hoping to be solved (but of course is not). And it continued everyday.
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| Answer to the Second Cipher (Cust should be Just) |
And again.
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| Answer to the Third Cipher |
Until today, again, me and K had some little chat. K has already changed, and I don't think I know K anymore. I don't think this is going to last anymore and I have to end it already.
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| Answer to the Fourth Cipher |
I don't want to see myself sad in the end of every day. I don't want to keep telling myself that K will talk to me, because in the end of the day, this will never happen. I want to tell myself that I start the conversation, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. Much has changed since then, and I don't think K will ever realize that there is still something wrong.
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| Last Cipher |
K is too happy with the situation K is in, and I'm happy for that too. Sadly, K's too happy to see what has become of me. But it's ok. I'll let K go, the same way I did to C, because I do not want to stay like this. There are other things to attend to, and SO MANY things to be happy about. I just do hope that K will realize these things I am doing, although I know it will not be. I'm too happy and 'academically-inclined' for most people to take me seriously. I don't know, but I think only a few know who I am underneath all this academic world. I am a person, and a person with feelings. I am not a robot which only responds to such little things, but a person who feels, who interacts, and who cares.
Then again, I guess, this scene in UNDERTALE sums everything up in one neat box.
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| A Scene in UNDERTALE |
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